Sunday, 26 June 2011

Respectable

This is a good one. Respectable by Mel & Kim. I believe one of them is dead which is awful. I dunno if they had any more hits but this is one that makes me wanna get up and dance like I’m in Fame. Love the outfits, love the dancin, love everything about it!

Now get up and dance!

Someone added me on MSN and said this…

jane says (17:46):
hi

Joanna says (17:46):
heya


jane says (17:46):
hi how are you today?


Joanna says (17:47):
grand


jane says (17:47):
my name is paris I'm doing great today I'm 21 yrs old how old are you?


Joanna says (17:48):
19


Jane says (17:48):
listen hun, I am just about to start my webcam show with jen, come chat me there in my chat room? We can cyber, I will get naked if u do..lol!


Just to point out I didn’t get naked!

Saturday, 25 June 2011

You got me Turning Japanese

This is one of those songs that ya hear a rumour about and aren’t too sure if its real or not. Word is, this song is about the chap playin with himself. I don’t actually know where I heard that but if anyone has a better explanation of what it means I’d be happy to hear it!

When Gloria started blogging

She said this! She hasn’t been seen since! You can check her out here

Right, first blog.. since everybody in the western hemisphere are all getting some sort of kick out of perving on peoples lives i thought id join in!
sooo.. in this blog there shall be;
    

* a lack of capitalisation on most words, i just dont like it.
* a complete lack of pc, cos lets face it.. its gone a bit silly at this stage
* i will complain, a lot.
* and every so often there will be a smokey eye!

Friday, 24 June 2011

99 Red Balloons

This is one of those songs that makes ya wanna get up and jump around and make a sap of yourself! People are a bit surprised though when they realise its about communism and the Soviet armys invadin!! Me da told me that! Listen to the lyrics and you’ll realise its true.

I think the worst thing about this video is Nena’s hairy armpits! 2 words – GILETTE VENUS

Nice story about someone getting mugged!

I came across this. Alex is one mean shit isn’t he?

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.


I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]     

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Guilty of Love In The First Degree

A classic if ever there was one. This one takes me back, although I swear I’m not old enough to remember when it was actually out. I just remember the video on MTV and that back in the day! Jesus, do ya remember when MTV actually played music videos?

Bananarama were real classic pop though weren’t they? Meself and the girls do this one on the show and have a great bit of laugh with it. Cher’s a huge fan, but trust her. I want everyone to turn this one up and dance along!

Be careful with satay sauce

I’m currently recoverin from a horrendous incident involvin a tub of satay sauce so I thought I’d give ya all a heads up about the dangers associated with it!

It all happened yesterday evenin when I decided to have some of the satay sauce I had left over from the night before’s Chinese. I thought I’d ad a bit of water to it to make it that little bit easier to pour and put it into the microwave. After only 30 seconds I took it back out but the tub was hot and I dropped it on the counter. The splash landed on me hand and burned me!

Lucky I had some burn gel shite in the first aid press so I was able to use it but I still have blisters today!!

So be warned – Satay sauce can cause serious injury!

South African ghost story

Another from me Aunty Linda! She should actually have a blog! Weirdemailsfromauntylinda.com Gas!

A man was hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him.

Suddenly a car stopped next to him. Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel. The car moved off slowly, He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road. Scared, he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified. Just before hitting the curve in the road a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel. 

The man, now paralyzed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve. Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights he could see. Wet and in shock, he went into a shebeen and asked for a double brandy. After drinking it, he told everyone of the horrible experience he just had. Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying. 

About half an hour later, two men came walking into the shebeen and, on seeing the terrified man, the one said to the other, “isn't that the idiot that got into the car while we were pushing it?"

The Muppets are coming!

If you’ve ever been to me bedroom (and I’m guessin some of you have!) then you’ll know how much of a Muppet fan I am! Well ya can imagine how excited I am about the new movie comin out, although its comin to Ireland like 4 months after America which is crap for us!

I actually saw where this was filmed when I was in LA earlier this year but I couldn’t see a Muppet anywhere!! Ragin!

Here’s the new trailer!!! WOOO!

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

You’ve been struck by a Smooth Criminal

A classic if ever there was one! Me first memories of this song are from the film Moonwalker which I was mad into as a child, which problem explains how I’m so weird now. I dunno what it was about or anything really. Michael Jackson turned into a spaceship which wasn’t at all normal.

Anyway, this particular tune was always a favourite of mine and is to this day. I want to know who Annie is though and if she is in fact okay?

Oh look, the video’s the thing from Moonwalker!!

Actual American exam answers

Me Aunty Linda’s latest joke e-mail! This is a good one!

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The Caesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.


Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like tiny umbrellas.

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

The gay cowboy

Me Aunty Linda sent me this! Regular readers will know she thinks she’s Jo Brand! She isn’t.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room he himself a bit tipsy and lonely, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks"

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

My name is Luka

For some reason, I have it in me head that this song is about some girl gettin beaten up by her boyfriend but I’m not really sure! I thought it was about a girl called Luka who lives on the 2nd floor!

Actually I just had a listen to it and it sounds like it is about some girl gettin beaten up! That or she’s in some sort of Fight Club and ya know that the rules of Fight Club are there are no rules or something like that.

I’d be tempted to hit her if I saw her in that stupid hat!

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

I’m going to Medjugorje

For those who’ve been askin for new videos, you kinda got spoilt this week! After Last Friday Night debuted (Is that a real word?) on Saturday, here’s the newest one! It’s about me goin’ on a pilgrimage to pray! Clearly it’s fictional.

I’m a Buddist.

Hostage situation underway in Waterford!

I’ve been hearin reports all night from rovin reporter Divalicious who’s been tellin me about a hostage situation underway in Waterford outside her buildin! Clearly I went to investigate.

Turns out this chap has locked himself into a building in an area we call “Little Poland” For anyone not that familiar with the area, when you cross the bridge into Waterford City, it’s that block in front of ya on the left.

Word on the street is that the armed response unit is on the scene and the SWAT team is on its way from Dublin which as ya know is a good 90 minutes away, although how true that is I don’t know seein as he’s been there 6 hours now. There’s also rumours that there’s a woman and 3 kids there too which I hope isn’t true.

I took this picture meself! Crazy stuff!!

DSC_2952

Monday, 20 June 2011

What I did Last Friday Night!

Anyone who’s aware of me work will know that I’m fond of makin parodies of songs! It’s me lock and trade or stock and trade or whatever its called!

Anyway, this is the latest one based on the new Katy Perry song “Last Friday Night (TGIF)” Big shout out must go to Pepsi Maxx who starred in the video AND helped me write the song. We’d loads of fun filmin it so hope you all like it! Would also be very grateful if you went to http://www.YouTube.com/JoannaRyde and clicked SUBSCRIBE!

Wii Fit update

I’ve been a bit lost this weekend but here I am back again. Don’t ask me what was goin on but blame Divalicious. It’s always her fault!

Anyway, me diet is on track and today’s weigh in show’s I lost .4 kilos which is on top of the 1.3 I lost last week! So far thats 1.7 kilos! Look at me doin maths. Now I won’t lie, I’ve been awfully tired the past week and I may or may not have a broken toe which I must have looked at so all things considered, I’m very happy with that!

Turkey is 9 weeks away and my beach body is that little bit closer!

HALLELOO!

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Wake Me Up Before You GoGo

At least that’s what I think its called? Maybe it’s not but that’s the lyrics to it anyway. What’s the story with Wham anyway? What ever happened to the other fella who wasn’t George Michael? And what in the name of sweet holy god is this song ACTUALLY about?

Put your claws up

I’m sure most of yiz have seen X-Men First Class at this stage but this particular chap was inspired by it so much that he wrote a Lady Gaga parody to it that’s gettin lots of attention. I’m fond of the X-men meself so I LOLed.

He’s a bit of a ride too even if he is wearin a geeky Magneto suit. Wouldn’t mind seein what’s underneath it.

Ireland’s Las Vegas in Tipperary

This story seems to be everywhere at the moment but in case you haven’t seen this video, its well worth a look, if for nothing else just to hear how unexcited the chap doin the voiceover is about the entire thing! Clearly Lucy Kennedy or someone would have been a much better idea?? Where did they get this bloke from?

So Two Mile Borris near Thurles is gonna be Ireland’s answer to Vegas!! Although the 15000 seater arena didn’t get the go ahead so there’s Celine Dion’s 6 month run in Tipperary out the window. Hopefully a few other people get the idea and build some form of a theme park next door to it! Universal Studios in Tipperary?

Although then again, maybe not.

Service will resume!

Heyiz everyone! Sorry I haven’t been around all weekend. Things got a bit rough there for a few days with a little condition I have, and before ya say it, its not piles! I have something called chronic sinusitus which means I can’t sing like Mariah again until I get a little operation that cuts open things in me nose! True story!

Not much happened to be honest though. Weather might have been nice but I didn’t really venture out. Meself and Charmin were joined by the Adele Tribute, Sara O’Kane, on Saturday on the show in Dignity and I’m very impressed by her which is surprisin coz I actually don’t like the real Adele! There I said it. One of the few people not to like Adele.

Anyway, I’m back. Normal madness and laughs to come! WOOOO!

Friday, 10 June 2011

Friday! Everybody’s looking forward to the VEEKEND

Victoria De Tampax sent me this and oh good lovin god I have no idea what this one is on but I want some!! She sings random songs in her Indian accent and I can’t decide whether it’s actually funny or just really weird or if she’s actually bein serious which just makes it a whole lot weirder. Clearly I can’t see this one bein the next YouTube sensation like Justin Bieber or Rebecca Black but I can see her in a looney bin very shortly! WHAT DO PEOPLE BE ON???

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Don’t You Want Me

What a tune! I’ve always said, can ya imagine bein in a club in 1982 and the DJ says “here’s the new tune from the Human League” and next minute this comes on? Imagine bein there the first time they play Don’t You Want Me! That’s the 80s for me. Everytime I hear it I close me eyes and think about it. I wasn’t born mind you but still. Give it a go, close your eyes and press play. Actually press play and then close your eyes!

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Rock The Boat!

Now this is a tune if ever there was one! Many a party in the local function room has seen lines of people sittin on the floor doin Rock The Boat and many a next mornin has seen many of the same people askin what in the name of god is wrong with their backs.

We actually do this of a Saturday night in Dignity and everyone sits on the ground and rows as if they were tryin to get away from a herd of angry people from Carlow. So press play, grab your granny, sit on the floor and row back and forward!!

Another day, another joke from me Aunty Linda

Me aunty Linda is mad into these things. Me e-mail does be full of them, most crap, I won’t lie but this one made me laugh so I thought I’d share it with yiz!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...

The sinking of the Titanic (II)

This made me laugh! Especially the bit at the end about the ice cube.


From RTE News

Most people would think twice before buying a boat named Titanic II.

Sure enough, when British man Mark Wilkinson took the 16-foot cabin cruiser out for its maiden voyage it promptly sank.

'If it wasn't for the harbourmaster I would have gone down with the Titanic,' Mr Wilkinson told local media.

He had to be fished out of the sea at West Bay harbour in Dorset, southern England.

'It's all a bit embarrassing and I got pretty fed up with people asking me if I had hit an iceberg.'

The man, aged in his 40s, had only recently bought the boat and brought it by road from his home in Birmingham in central England for its first outing.

After a successful fishing trip, things started to go wrong when he entered the harbour and the boat began taking on water.

Mr Wilkinson was forced to abandon ship and pictures showed him clinging to a rail before he was rescued.

One eyewitness said: 'It wasn't a very big boat - I think an ice cube could have sunk it!'

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Is this song what I think its about part 2

The other day I posted a video of a song from Japan which I thought was funny even though I hadn’t a clue what it meant, although the words on the screen gave me a few hints. I won’t even tell ya what a gee is where I come from!!! Anyway, there I was workin on a new song like I do sometimes and what do I find only this slower even weirder version of it!!! AND WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IS THE STORY WITH THE TROUSERS???

By the way, has anyone any idea what this band is actually called?

Someone left the cake out in the rain

This song has been followin me around lately for some reason. It’s not a bad song actually and this version is from the musical version of Priscilla Queen Of The Desert which I clearly now want to see! Don’t even bother lookin at this and tell me you don’t want a giant green cupcake right now!!

I Love Your Smile

This is such a classic song. It’s been used in toothpaste commercials the world over. I dunno what Shanice is up to these days. Surely we’ll see her on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here soon?

Sunday, 5 June 2011

Wii Fit - Week 1!

So with me off to Turkey now in 2 months I have decided its time to get back into shape! So every week I’ll be letting ya know how I get on. Now I’m off to jump up and down for an hour!

STARTING WEIGHT – 76 Kilos

Chinese fella sells his kidney for an I-Pad

I was readin the news yesterday as I usually do (tryin to keep meself streetwise and to see if anyone I know has been arrested) and I come across this story of a fella in China who sold his kidney for an I-Pad. Now whatever about sellin a kidney, sellin it for $2000!!!! A kidney has to be worth more than that! I would expect to get a BMW at least for a kidney with an I-Pad from the money left over, although I don’t even want an I-Pad. I do want a BMW though!

So tell me, what value would ya put on a kidney?? I-Pad my arse!!

From RTE News

A 17-year old Chinese student has sold one of his kidneys to buy an iPad 2 and an iPhone.

China - Kidneys sell for around $3k
 

The boy, identified only as Xiao Zheng, meaning 'Little Zheng', from China's south-eastern Anhui province met a broker on the internet who said he could help him sell his kidney for 20,000 yuan (€2,059), a regional TV station reported.

In late April, Zheng travelled to Chenzhou in central Hunan province where he had his right kidney removed in a hospital.

His mother told reporters she was devastated by the news.

'When my son came home he had a laptop computer and an Apple phone. Where did all that money come from? Only when he could bare it no longer did he tell us. He said, Mum, I sold my kidney. When I heard it I felt like the sky was crashing down on our family,' she said, crying.

In an online conversation between Zheng and the middleman, Zheng left a message saying 'I want to buy an iPad 2'.

Another broker who organises the sale of kidneys in the Beijing area told reporters that they would normally pay much more for a kidney.

'We pay the same price across the whole country - the price is 35,000 yuan (€3,707), plus the bonus.

The bonus is between 2,000 and 10,000 yuan (€212 and €1,057),' said the middleman.

Zheng's mother alerted the police after she found out, but they were unable to locate the broker.

The hospital was not authorised to perform organ transplants, and claimed they had no idea about the surgery because the department had been contracted to a businessman from a neighbouring province, the report said.

Weird duck song

This is the duck song. It’s an odd little tale about a duck. Have a listen and see if ya like it. I’m waddlin away to learn it for next Saturday’s show

They bless the rains down in Africa

Africa by Toto is one of the best 80s songs as far as I’m concerned. Check out the original as well as the amazin Perpetuum Jazzile. Turn it on, start singin and feel yourself transferred to the serengeti, which I believe might be in Kenya! By the way, if you do end up transferred to Kenya, I would possibly contact Professor X as you might be an X-man.

Send a postcard!

Jai McDowell wins Britain’s Got Talent

So Jai McDowell has beaten Ronan Parke to win Britain’s Got Talent. It’s the first time I actually got into it a bit although I would have picked a different winner! It’s very different to the All Ireland Talent Show!

Saturday, 4 June 2011

Is this song about what I think it’s about?

Catchy song though! Also, you probably won’t get the joke if you’re from outside Ireland. The word gee means something TOTALLY different here! And it’s not nice. Think of a ladies bits!

Yazz – The Only Way Is Up

Today’s very first song is from the 1980’s and was a big hit by Yazz and the Plastic Population. I think it’s the only hit they had but it was a good one, fair play to them. This is one of those songs ya hear at 40th birthday parties and just wanna dance to so I’d advise ya to turn up your speakers, get your plastic jewellery on and go wild in your bedroom! Better still, video it and send it to me!!

I get some weirdos on Facebook

I’m always gettin mad people talkin to me on me Facebook page but this one I had to share! His name is Bob Bal and it tells it’s own story really! I laughed! I also considered askin how much he was willin’ to pay!! I also considered sellin him Roxxi Sparks!!

how are u ?

i am bob from west africa The Gambia bone 1985 i am here looking for a good relationship or if i can have a gal to married and pay her in cash .i do it but if u can help me or u looking for someone i will pay u and pay her i really need this in my life. u said It's complicated so if u like

i can married u as well and get the money tooo. see how u will feel about it and text me back any time ok care and love

Friday, 3 June 2011

Divalicious wins Dragiators The Apprentice

So Dragiators Season 3 is now over and Divalicious joins Cher and Heidi Hotlips as Dragiators champions! We’re havin’ a bit of a rest and a holiday before we start Season 4 back online next year!!

Here’s a pic of runner up Cheryl Hole and Diva!

Diva Cheryl

Thursday, 2 June 2011

I’M BACK!!!

Welcome to my blog, my home in the blogosphere which is actually not a real country. There’s always loads of drama here in Waterford and back home in Dublin so I’ll chat about that and I might even do a bit of a Charmin and give ya a bit of me opinion on celebrity happenings, sporting events and current affairs!!! I’ll be like Vincent Brown on Skittles.

So bookmark it, follow me and tell you’re friends!! I is back! Don’t forget to visit JoannaRyde.com or follow me on Twitter@JoannaRyde

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

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