Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Dragon Horoscope

Again, I don’t believe in these things but someone sent it to me so here goes.

1st.  Get PEN and PAPER
2nd.  WHEN CHOOSING NAMES, MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW

3rd.  GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS !!!!!  Very important for good results.
4th.  SCROLL DOWN

ONE LINE AT THE TIME
DON`T READ AHEAD
otherwise
YOU WILL RUIN THE FUN.


1. On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through 11 in a COLUMN on the LEFT.
2.  BESIDE the NUMBERS 1 & 2,

WRITE DOWN ANY
2 NUMBERS YOU WANT.
DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER?


3. BESIDE the NUMBERS 3 & 7,

WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.


CAUTION:  DO NOT  LOOK AHEAD or IT WILL NOT TURN OUT RIGHT
4. WRITE ANYONES NAME

(like FRIENDS or FAMILY...)
next to 4, 5, & 6.


DON`T CHEAT OR YOU`LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID
5. WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11

6. Finally,

MAKE A WISH


ARE YOU READY?
HERE IS THE

KEY TO THE GAME

 


1. THE NUMBER of PEOPLE YOU MUST TELL ABOUT THIS GAME is found in

SPACE 2


2. THE PERSON IN SPACE

3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE


3. THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in

SPACE 7


4. YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you put in

SPACE 4


5. THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO

KNOWS YOU VERY WELL.


6. THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS THE YOUR

LUCKY STAR


7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE

PERSON IN NUMBER 3


8. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE

PERSON IN 7


9. THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT

YOUR MIND


10. AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU

FEEL ABOUT LIFE


11.  NUMBER 1 IS YOUR

LUCKY NUMBER

Sunday, 25 May 2014

Frosties

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax'. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then' He sighed......... Let's put all the Frosties back in the box.'

Saturday, 24 May 2014

Emotion Party

A bloke decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this bloke, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the bloke says," I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant,come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his willy in a bowl of custard, and the other with his willy stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be ?" Paddy replies, "Well, I’m f**king discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"

Friday, 23 May 2014

Chuck Norris

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the f*ck he wants.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pyjamas.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take sh*t from anyone.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a Jeep.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets out of the way.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who Chuck Norris is.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris casts no shadow. Not even a shadow is stupid enough to follow Chuck Norris around all day.

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

Chinese Restaurant

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Dubs On Holiday

Three couples on holiday in Spain around the hotel breakfast table: An American couple, an English couple and a couple from Dublin.

The American man says to his wife "Pass the honey,...... Honey".

The Englishman, hearing this and keeping it going, says to his wife "Pass the sugar, .......Sugar".

The man from Dublin not wanting to be outdone says to his wife, "Giz de milk, ya fat cow "

Monday, 19 May 2014

The Whys Of Man!

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know....it never happened) ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And the personal favourite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face & laughter in your heart. Then you are just an old sour fart.

Sunday, 18 May 2014

What Month Were You Born?

I don’t normally believe in all this crap but I’m bored!

---------------JANUARY BABY--------------------

Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn. Repost this in 5 mins and you will meet someone new in 8 days that will perfectly balance your personality.

----------FEBRUARY BABY --------------------

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. S#*iest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Ho?ny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------

Attractive personality. S#xy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.

------------------APRIL BABY -------------------

Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and travelling. Systematic. hot but has brains.

-----------------MAY BABY -----------------

Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.

------------JUNE BABY -------------

You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!!

----------------JULY BABY --------------

Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be with friends . Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

------------AUGUST BABY ---------------

outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. no self control. kind hearted. self confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. easy to get along with and talk to. has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. likes talking and singing. loves music. daydreamer. easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. loves to be loved. hates studying. in need of "that someone". longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld or restricted. lives by "no pain no gain" caring. always a suspect. playful. mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. independent. strong willed. a fighter.

------------SEPTEMBER BABY ---------------

Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.

---------------OCTOBER BABY -------------------

Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the centre. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.

---------------NOVEMBER BABY --------------------

Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.

---------------DECEMBER BABY ---------------

This straight-up means you’re the most good-looking person possible... better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. loves music. ]

Saturday, 17 May 2014

IT Support

Dear IT Support, 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2014. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2014, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself'.

Friday, 16 May 2014

Love Letters

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!!! Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Thursday, 15 May 2014

The Secret Of Number 11

This is actually really freaky!! (Mainly the end part, but read it first)
1) New York City has 11 letters
2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.
3) Ramsin Yuseb has 11 letters. (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993)
4) George W Bush has 11 letters.

This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets interesting:
1) New York is the 11th state.
2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11.
3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11
4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65 passengers. 6+5 = 11
5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1+ 1 =11
6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911.

9 + 1 + 1 = 11

Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make

up your own mind:
1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254.

2 + 5 + 4 = 11.
2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year. 

Again 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.
3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 11.
4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.

Now this is where things get totally eerie:

The most recognized symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Koran, the Islamic holy book:

"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The
wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah while some
of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the
Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."

That verse is number 9.11 of the Koran.
Unconvinced about all of this Still ..?!

Try this and see how you feel afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:

Open Microsoft Word and do the following:
1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first plane to hit one of the Twin Towers.
2. Highlight the Q33 NY.
3. Change the font size to 48.
4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS 1
What do you think now?!!

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Oxegen Tips

Oxegen 2013 was the first festival I ever went to so I decided to get some advice beforehand from an old pro. Mark Graham was the first person I interviewed way back at the Irish Conker Championships so I decided to get in touch with him and see if he could gimme some advice for Oxegen and he gave me all sorts of things to look out for and tips on what to bring with me, although thankfully we were staying in the press centre so I was grand. I didn’t have to be down camping with the minions, not the actual Minions but the little people, those less important than me. Plebs if you will.

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. " Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Monday, 12 May 2014

Donal Skehan

I love Donal Skehan. He’s the type of fella you could bring home to your mammy, although my mammy would probably eat him up, him and his food. He makes some lovely things, not that I’ve tasted them but they look lovely on the tell. He’d get it too by the way, oh god yes. He’s like an innocent boy next door who’d be well up for getting dirty in the bedroom if it took his fancy. Don’t tell him I said that to him, actually I’ll probably tell him myself next time I see him! Go on Donal ya lash!

Idiots 2

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi

Sunday, 11 May 2014

Black Eagle Dojo

I’ve always enjoyed beating people up so you can imagine how excited I was to learn that I was going to take part in Hapkido which is some form of martial art from Korea or one of those far east places. It was all very exciting and I got to kick people and I was held, oh my was I held. I got a good leg stretch too which I was delighted with. This was great craic. I could easily be a Power Ranger now!

Idiots

Number One Idiot:

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot:

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot:

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Wise guy........ but you still get a sign.

Number Five Idiot:

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign.

Number Six Idiot:

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

Number Seven Idiot: 

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, Here's your sign. (Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

Saturday, 10 May 2014

Tramore

When the weather is nice in Ireland everyone makes for the beach straight away and myself and Trish were out there faster than you could say “bunking off work” which we weren’t really doing coz interviewing people IS work! I thought it’d be great fun to see how people were in enjoying the good weather and sure if it meant I could get ice cream then it was even better as far as I was concerned. We went on the crazy mouse too which was lots of fun! Trish screamed a lot. Ah this was a great day. I wish the summer would come back.

High Rise Caravan

I want one of these!

High Rise Caravan

Friday, 9 May 2014

Eurovision Running Order

Here’s the running order for the Eurovision final. Looking forward to it! Will be cheering on San Marino coz Ireland is out! I love an underdog!

1. Ukraine
2. Belarus
3. Azerbaijan
4. Iceland
5. Norway
6. Romania
7. Armenia
8. Montenegro
9. Poland
10. Greece
11. Austria
12. Germany
13. Sweden
14. France
15. Russia
16. Italy
17. Slovenia
18. Finland
19. Spain
20. Switzerland
21. Hungary
22. Malta
23. Denmark
24. The Netherlands
25. San Marino
26. United Kingdom

Ke$ha

I am a HUGE Ke$ha fan so while I decided to pay a visit to her concert in the Marquee in Cork and I’m delighted I did. She was brilliant. She came out on stage with her mother dressed as a giant penis at one stage. It was all very random. The Marquee is just one big circus tent, kinda like a gazebo you’d get in Argos but not as nice. Of course did all the hits - Tick Tock, Blow, Die Young, C’mon, Crazy Kids and all the rest of it. Big fan of her work. I spoke to all the skanks outside. The glitter was everywhere!

Dana International Falls - Best Eurovision Moments

I had to include this mainly coz it’s HILARIOUS! Dana International won for Israel back in 1998 and that meant the following year the competition took place in Jerusalem. Now when she was handing over the trophy to the winner Charlotte Pirelli she fell on her arse! Oh how I laughed. It’s still funny to this day. Everyone runs over to her and leaves poor Charlotte just standing there not knowing what to do. I wonder did she break the trophy. Of course Dana International returned to the Eurovision a few years later and failed to qualify. Scarlet for her again!

Oh My!

2 laddersKeyboard imprintBear in hospitalDoggie bagHouse For SaleSpongebobStuck in Chair

Thursday, 8 May 2014

Daytripper

Daytripper is a music festival that takes place over a weekend in Waterford every year with big acts and some smaller ones. We were covering the Sunday with The Coronas and Keywest so I was all excited to be out in the sunshine enjoying meself, dancing around to the music meeting new people and chatting away to all the fans, not my fans but fans none the less. It was great craic and there was a carnival and loads going on! Great fun altogether. So I talked to a few people, got some reaction and all that. Have a listen.

Dustin The Turkey - Best Eurovision Moments

I’ve met Dustin The Turkey and he’s a really lovely, eh, bloke! Granted he’s a turkey but I grew up watching him on telly and so when he went to the Eurovision it was all a bit strange. The national final was held in Limerick for some reason and this won. There was uproar, not just in the venue but around the country. Of course Dustin got loads of press and was one of the favourites to win but then when he got to Belgrade, the hardcore Eurovision fans rebelled and we didn’t make it to the final! RAGING!

It’s the first time a puppet has ever entered and I reckon it’s likely it’ll be the last time too. I still think it should have won!

Starting Young

This made me laugh!

Babies Drinking

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Elton John

Don’t even ask me what I was thinking of going to see Elton John for! The only song of his I actually like is Crocodile Rock and only then it’s because it’s a favourite of mine in karaoke. I didn’t know half of the songs he was doing although me friend Ray was in his element. He likes that kinda stuff. He did end with a bit of the Lion King though so I knew that. Wasn’t really my thing though but don’t I sound excited on the report?

Swedish Smorgasbord - Best Eurovision Moments

This only happened last year but I LOVED IT! The host for Malmo in Sweden was Petra Mede and she was great craic. Thought she was perfect at it and she was a good change from all the male female duos who try to be funny and fail miserably. Petra was actually funny and then out of NOWHERE she whipped this out and went through every Swedish stereotype she could find! Fair play to ya Petra!

I come from a country
that's hard to find
Somewhere near the icy pole
But though we are freezing
please bear in mind
Sweden's gonna warm
your soul
Our people are cold
but our elks are hot
A horny horde in ev'ry fjord
Our moose may be loose
but they hit the spot
On our Swedish Smorgasbord
A tour of our nation
is certain to impress
We've quite a few
surprises for you
A Swedish chef
and Death playing chess
And a girl with a
dragon tattoo
Papa - Po
By winning this contest
you get the chance
To host a show you
can't afford
But then sell your country
through song and dance
Here's our
Swedish smorgasbord
We're green to our planet
with eco-pride
Recycling is in our hearts
Mamma Mia
Ikea has gone world-wide
Good luck assembling
all the parts
We're strict and we're
structured
and seldom vent
Don't show emotion
never whine
Not easy to please
but we're quite content
When we get to stand in line
Does anyone know what this
line is for
Well...
I'd better stay and find out
Proper and polite and
private is our style
Never ever talk on a train
And if we see a stranger
throw us a smile
He's either a drunk or insane
Everyday we face it
Fly on up and taste it
Try our
Swedish Smorgasbord
Swedish Smörgåsbord
Beneath the midnight sun
The blondes have all the fun
And if you long for stockings
say "Amen!"
From Vikings we descended
It´s frightning what
those men did
But see how we've evolved
since then
Our roles are reversing
Our daddies are nursing
In all of our cities
Though men don't have titties
They can still stay at home
to raise the kids
And our girls can handle
their balls
With the best kickline
of them all
You may now
kiss the groom
Follow our example
Come and try a sample
Of our
Swedish Smorgasbord!
It's time for some dinner
we pray you'll stay
Come and try our
fav'rite course
We eat all our meatballs
the Nordic way:
Seasoned with a hint
of horse
For Strindberg
And Bergman
And Celsius
All rise
For Thor and
Björn Borg
And the great
Nobel Prize
There's Volvo
And Garbo
The best lingonberry
And all of our problems
Digesting our dairy...
Jaa...
Oh look it´s Carola
Haha - yeah
Hohooo
Capture by a love storm
We gave you Carola
and Waterloo
And Diggi-Loo
who all adored
We'll take you to heaven
Euphoria too
Come and join our party
Come on up and chill
There's room for everybody
Gravad lax and dill
On our
Aquavit-crayfish
Yucky-salty-liquorice
Randy-Scandinavian-race
With H&M 'n'
Ace of Base
Our hurdy-gurdy
super-duper
Fab-as-ABBA
Super-Trouper
Swedish
Smorgas
boooooooooooord

The Lonely Brain Cell

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here? Where are all the OTHER brain cells?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............

"We're down here!"

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

Tahiti Tourism

This is one of my favourite ones I did! Tahiti were in the confederations cup for some weird reason and I thought it might be a bit of laugh to give them a ring and ask them about paying a visit to their lovely country. From what I’ve heard, Tahiti is a magical place. I got though to a girl in the LA office and she was most helpful so I felt bad for a whole minute that I was pranking her but ah well, tough luck babes! She offered me to pop in if I’m ever in the area so I might just do that! She’ll get the fright of her life.

Silvia Knight - Best Eurovision Moments

I LOVE SILVIA KNIGHT and her International Superstar tagline has become something I use myself. Well if the shoe fits!

In 2006 Iceland sent the comedy character Silvia Knight to Athens in Greece to take part and the hardcore Eurovision fans weren’t too impressed with them sending someone who was deliberately being controversial! There was uproar over it although personally, I thought it was hilarious! I was a big fan of her antics. She was calling people all sorts of names, being a diva in the press conference and just causing chaos everywhere she went! A bit like me really.

So she went to the semi final and ended up getting booed by the crowd, the first time that anyone has ever gotten booed a the competition and she failed to make the final. She wasn’t happy at all and went on a rant afterwards. The video ended up going straight to number 1 on YouTube. The performance of her song Congratulations is below the rant. In case you were wondering, Lordi won with Hard Rock Hallelujah for Finland!

Trick Questions

First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Second Question: I f you overtake the last person, then you are?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 Now add 10 . What is the total?

Answer: Did you get 5000 ? The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Fifth Question: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.... Like you!

Funniest Eurovision Voting Moments

I had to share this seeing as it’s Eurovision week and that we all love a good laugh at it. There’s nothing better when someone falls on their arse or the scoreboard doesn’t work or some dope from somewhere you can’t pronounce comes on during the voting trying to be funny and gets owned by the host. It’s great. There’s some hilarious Eurovision moments in here from over the years and you can see a number of the dopes I mentioned. Of course, most people only tune in for the voting. I love it. Can’t wait for the madness this week!

Monday, 5 May 2014

The Wanted

Like yesterday with Olly Murs, I wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of The Wanted but I was asked to interview them in the marquee and I thought it might be a bit of laugh so I actually did a bit of research and got to know each of them and then I went there and they put me in a room with them and we had a bit of laugh. Max was only mad about me and sure the concert was great craic as well. I’m a much bigger fan of them now than I was before, although now they’ve broken up!

Missing The Cue - Best Eurovision Moments

I’ve decided that seeing as I’ve reviewed all the Eurovision songs and with it being Eurovision week that I’d continue on with the theme and blog about my favourite Eurovision moments! This’ll be all sorts of madness so just go along with it for the LOLs and sure you might enjoy it. If you don’t, I’m not that pushed but if you do, tell me on Twitter - @JoannaRyde! God bless!

So this happened way back in in 1990 when the competition was taking place in Zagreb in what was Yugoslavia although it’s Croatia now. I’ve been to Croatia and it’s nice. The act for Spain was called Azucar Moreno which Google Translate tells me means brown sugar and the song was called Bandido which Google Translate tells me means Bandit.

If you skip ahead to the 1:40 mark here you can see the beginning of when things started to go wrong. The backing track wouldn’t play and then the band didn’t start playing and then the singers missed their cue and stormed off in an actual rage! IT WAS CHAOS! And the musicians just kept on like nothing was happening.

Now clearly I wasn’t old enough to see this live but I’ve watched it back a few times and laughed. Poor Spain. They did finish 5th though. Italy won and Ireland came 2nd. Everyone was really confused, or at least Wikipedia says they were.

Cardiologist’s Funeral

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died.

At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.

It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated By his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied "I'm a gynaecologist!”

Sunday, 4 May 2014

Olly Murs

Well I’m not actually the biggest Olly Murs fan there is but I was asked to cover his concert in the marquee in Cork and thought I may as well make the most of it. I downloaded his back catalogue to make meself a little bit more familiar what his stuff and sure by the time I got there I was singing along and having a great time of it. Still not really that much of a fan but sure it was grand. He’s a gas chap on the telly as well, although not that I ever watch the Xtra Factor.

Eurovision 2014 - United Kingdom

We’ve come to the end of our Eurovision review and today we’re looking at The United Kingdom. The song is Children Of The Universe by Molly Smitten Downes and I really like this! It’s by far the best UK song since Jade Ewan with It’s My Time and that finished in the top 5! They’ve been sending a lot of crap lately so I think this new idea of sending actually decent songs might do well for them. I can see this being a top 5. It’s a good song, good singer and good change in tactics from the UK although they really should adopt the Swedish qualifying format. They’d do real well then!

The Jeremy Kyle Test!

This is probably more of a Dublin thing! Read on!

 

Has any of your friends or family been pregnant under the age of 17?

Do you know the location of your local Champion Sports store?

Do you own more runners than normal shoes?

Have you ever bought / worn any of these labels? Kickers, Ben Sherman, Kappa, Umbro?

Have you ever referred to your home as your 'Gaff'?

Do you think David Beckham is a leading male style icon?

Have you ever bought Super Kings or 20 Johnny blue?

Do any of your friends or family own a Pit Bull Terrier?

Have you ever had a fight with taxi driver?

Have you ever worn hoop earrings?

Do you think O'Brien's coffees are too expensive?

Have you ever thrown up in the street?

Have you ever vandalised a phone box?

Have you ever referred to your friends as your 'crew' or your' posse'?

Do you know who Mike Skinner is?

Have you ever had a pay as you go gas or electricity meter?

Have you ever lived above the fourth floor?

Do you use external Christmas decorations?

Did you think the Fast and Furious deserved an Oscar Nomination?

Have you ever visited a friend or family member in the Joy?

Do you know a drug dealer?

Are tinted windows cool?

Have you ever bought 'value' brand at Tesco?

Do you listen to Drum n Bass?

Have you ever purchased jewellery from Argos?

Have you ever been too, Falaraki, Magaluf or Benidorm?

Do you know anyone who's moved to culchie land like Navan or Naas?

Do you enjoy theme parks and fun fairs?

Have you ever had a full Irish Breakfast abroad?

Are any of your friends of family on the dole?

Have any of your friends or family been buried by Co-op Funeral Directors?

Did you know the capital of Australia is Sydney?

Have you ever been to a Bohs or Shelbourne match?

Do you own a gold chain, sovereign ring or Burberry Cap?

Have you ever shopped in No Name?

Are you scared of your neighbours?

Would you consider buying any of these cars? Opel Corsa, Ford Fiesta, Subaru Impreza, Fiat Punto?

Do you read Max Power, Heat or the Sun?

Do you ever wear a tracksuit when you have no intention of playing sport?

Have you ever been escorted from a shopping centre / pub?

Do you know know the term 'Croydon Face Lift'?

Have you ever ordered Egg and Chips at a restaurant?

Do you understand text abbreviations (ie, l8r - later, wiv - with, da - the, b4 - before)

Have you ever seen / been involved in a fight at a wedding?

Have you ever drank Dutch gold or Linden Village cider?

Would you consider a honeymoon in Tenerife?

Saturday, 3 May 2014

On The Beach

For some strange reason we got lovely weather during last summer so I decided to head out to the beach for chats with some of the locals. Interestingly, or not so much as the case may be, I used to go to Tramore on my holidays when I was younger and now I live right beside it. I actually don’t know how interesting you think that is but I had lots of fun!

Eurovision 2014 - Ukraine

Ukraine always seem to do well but this year I’m not so sure. The song is Tick Tock and it’s by Maria Yaremchuk. I really thought they should have won last year with Gravity so it’s going to be interesting to see what they do with this. It kinda sounds like a girlband from the UK in 1999 so I’m not really sure. This is defo not the best they’ve done and I really don’t see them challenging and of course with all the drama all over the news, it’s hard to see them getting 12 points off Russia. I don’t think it’ll be in the top 5 but we’ll see.

Drive Thru

I really wish I knew where this was!

Drive Thru

Friday, 2 May 2014

Faye From Steps

I’m a HUGE Steps fan so you can imagine how excited I was when I got to interview Faye!! I wanted to be her when I was younger. She’s the reason I have dreadlocks and she was so lovely. She came to Waterford to perform at Pride and we got on like a house on fire! She even asked us to Cardiff to visit and I haven’t gone yet but plan on it during the summer. She was lovely. Bigger fan of her now.

Eurovision 2014 - Netherlands

The Netherlands are another one of these countries that complain that they never do well even though they never actually send songs decent enough to get to the final. Of course last year, they sent Anouk and got into the top 10 proving that if you send a good song you’ll do well! Who’d have known.

This year they’ve tried to get in on the country music craze by sending The Common Linnets with Calm After The Storm and while I get the idea, the song isn’t really that good. It’s kinda grand, the type of thing you’d hear late night on a country music radio station. For Eurovision they really should have got Avicii to remix it. Think they’ll struggle to make the final with this.

A Valuable Lesson

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.... we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

And the moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car!"

Thursday, 1 May 2014

Ireland’s Eurovision Dancers

So while I was at the auditions for the Louis Walsh’s new boyband I bumped into Colm Farrell and Alan McGrath who were dancing for Ryan Dolan at the Eurovision Song Contest in Malmo, Sweden. I thought it might be a bit of laugh to interview them and so I did! We’d a great chat about all things Eurovision and they told me about all the goings on while they were there. It was all very interesting. Have a listen for yourself!

Oh this is the extended cut by the way!

Eurovision 2014 - Switzerland

Switzerland always seem to have these quirky little songs that don’t do very well and this year will be no exception. The song is called Hunter Of Stars and it’s by Sebalter. I wonder how long it will be before they give up and throw their toys out of the pram like Luxembourg did. They haven’t really done very well since Celine Dion won back in 1988. They last qualified for the final in 2011 and before that it was 2006. I don’t think they stand much of a chance this year. Maybe if they stopped picking crap songs they might actually make the final!

Danger At Work

Don’t try this in your place of work! I’ll be sued!

Danger feather boaDanger fish tankDanger GogglesDanger paintingDanger antenna

Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Alicia Keys

I got into trouble for this one! Little did I know that you’re not allowed record inside the concerts when you get free tickets to go and watch them so the PR company weren’t happy! It was a great concert though and I’m glad I actually got to see Alicia after wanting to see her for so long! Was great craic.

Eurovision 2014 - Sweden

Could Sweden pull off another win? They’re going to be close. This is one of the better ballads in the competition this year and should see them challenging for the win. Could it between them and Armenia? It’s no Euphoria but it’s a decent song. The Swedes have Eurovision figured out. Their qualifying system is what Ireland should be doing. I really like this. It’s a nice song and should get a lot of attention. Sanna Nielson seems to be good live. I like this.

Car Insurance Claims Excuses

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.

I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

The telephone pole was approaching fast.

I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Louis Walsh’s Boyband

Well we know now that the band is called Hometown and I got to meet them in person at the Britain’s Got Talent auditions in Belfast, nice lads and I’ve spoken to some of them a few times since, although none of the people I interviewed here actually made it into the band.

Eurovision 2014 - Spain

You might remember Ruth Lorenzo from the X-Factor a few years ago and here she is with Spain’s Eurovision song. They always seem to do these songs and then don’t do too well. I wonder what people will think of Ruth! This is called Dancing In The Rain and is Spain’s best song in years. They could go top 10 with this. I hope they do coz I like Ruth. I saw her live once. The more I’ve listened to this song, the more I’ve liked it so I wouldn’t mind it doing okay! YOU GO RUTH!

Alternative Irish Travel Ad!

Oh this made me LOL!

Discover Ireland

Monday, 28 April 2014

Ryan Dolan

Ryan Dolan represented Ireland in the Eurovision Song Contest in 2013 in Malmo and I had a chat with him while he was there. He told me about the Eurovision, what he thought of the other acts and we had a good old flirt! Clearly he thought I was only the image of gorgeous! And I am!

Eurovision 2014 - Slovenia

I couldn’t really remember what this one was so had to play it again and then I did remember it and remembered it was BRUTAL! God I don’t like this at all. Someone thought it’d be a great idea to sing in Slovenian and English at the same time. Yeah good luck with that. The song is round and round by Tinkara Kovač but fair playing to her for trying. This might sneak through to the final, although probably not. It won’t win anyway. Meh.

Office Dares!

First person to 20 points is a winner....

ONE-POINT DARES:

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

Walk sideways to the photocopier.

While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors open.

When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."

Don't use any punctuation.

Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.

 

THREE-POINT DARES :

Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Everytime you get an email, shout ''e-mail''.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone is over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout,"dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again.

Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout.

Call I.T. help desk and tell them that you can't seem to access any pornography web-sites.

 

FIVE-POINT DARES :

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up,damn it, all of you just shut up!"

At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"

During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

Hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll call you tonight

Sunday, 27 April 2014

Driving With Trish

Trish is probably not the best person to be getting into a car with! She’s got that fiery Caribbean temperament and road rage would be a very good friend of hers. I was terrified on this journey. We actually put her through driving lessons on the radio but sadly she didn’t pass, although that didn’t stop her causing mayhem in a go-kart against rally driver Craig Breen.

Eurovision 2014 - San Marino

Ah! Poor San Marino. They’re the only one of the small countries left in the Eurovision and they really really really want to get to the final! They got so close last year and in fairness, the song was really good. This year, they’ve sent Valentina back for the 3rd time in the hope that she’ll make it to the final. I really hope she does because they try so hard. The song is called Maybe so maybe they’ll make it to the final. Jesus, it’d be like winning for them. I like Valentina. She’s gas. The song isn’t as good as last year but it’s better than the Facebook one!

Broken Printer

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to........

Broken Printer

Saturday, 26 April 2014

50k Walk

I walked 50 kilometres! I think it’s important that I point that out. It was a charity walk in aid of MS Ireland and we went all the way from Mullingar to Maynooth along the Royal Canal! A whole 50k! Can you believe that. I was well impressed with myself. I didn’t even need an ambulance once!

Eurovision 2014 - Russia

This is a bit odd. The Tomalchevy Twins are Russia’s answer to Mary Kate & Ashley and their song for Copenhagen is Shine. It’s a bit crap. Russia will do well because of the whole thing with their neighbours voting for them but there’s also the chance they might not do as well this year over the Ukraine thing. This song isn’t as good as what they’ve done in the last few years with the dancing grannies and What If last year. Bit dodgy being honest. Can’t see it doing too well. This has to be the closest they’ll get to not qualifying in years I’d say.

Phones For Sale!

Hi Lads

I've got 2 mobiles that I am no longer using and wanted to know if anyone
would be interested?? I have attached a picture.....

1) Almost new sim free Nokia with camera (4.1 mega pixels) €60

2) Older model Nokia with camera and vibrating alert €40

Have a look at the pics and let me know if you're interested.

Camera Phone

Friday, 25 April 2014

My Beat Fleet Audition

Following on from yesterday where I interviewed people that were audition for the Beat Fleet, I thought I’d give it a go myself to see how I got on. Zara and Vinny were the ones asking the questions and it was all a bit of laugh. Clearly I was amazing but seeing as I already had a job, they thought I’d be way too qualified for the team!

Eurovision 2014 - Romania

This is one of my favourites so I hope they do well. I wouldn’t mind going to Bucharest next year. Would be a great laugh. This is Paula Selling and Ovi with Miracle and you might remember they had a double ended piano a few years ago and came 3rd. I think this one could do really well so I’m gonna put some money on them, not that I condone gambling. It’s a fun song and it’s a bit dancey so it’s that little bit different from a few of the others. Romania seem to be doing decent enough in the semis but not in the final. Hopefully this one changes that!

Selotape Art

I love this! Selotape art!

Selotape boySelotape swansSelotape hoboSelotape man in WallSelotape lollySelotape horseSelotape manSelotape dogsSelotape GiraffeSelotape beggarsSelotape babySelotape womenSelotape giant phoneSelotape kids