Monday, 31 March 2014

Worst Christmas Present

Now I know you’re all saying “Will this one ever get lost with her Christmas podcasts” and I promise I will after this one! It’s the last one, I swear. So I decided to talk to people about their worst ever Christmas presents and got some strange answers although lets not lie here, when you ask strange people strange questions you get strange answers. I do manage to attract the weirdos when I’m chatting to people for these things. I’m like a light to mosquitos when it comes to weirdos. I don’t know whether that works as a metaform or not but sure you get the idea.

So last Christmas one! PROMISE!

Eurovision 2014 - Denmark

Now they’re the holders at the moment. Denmark have won 3 times, obviously the latest one last year when that hippy girl with the flute won, fair play to her. Because of that, they’ll be holding it this year in a big factory in Copenhagen! True story!

This year they’ll be represented by Baksim with the song Cliche Love Song. Now before you go wild thinking that this is Denmark’s answer to Bruno Mars, it’s not. It’s a bit weird really, mainly coz of how hard he’s trying to be Bruno Mars and failing miserably. It’s worse than Stars In Their Eyes really. Denmark usually do well enough and this one should do okay. They don’t have to worry about the semis this year coz they’re the hosts. I’m going to guess mid-table for Danish Bruno!

They Should Have Thought It Through

Funny pics Funny pics Funny pics Funny pics Funny pics Funny pics Funny pics Funny pics

Sunday, 30 March 2014

Celebrity In Your Stocking

Now again, this is a Christmas one so bare with me. I’m blogging about these in the order that they went out on air so it may get a bit confusing at times. Yes I know it’s the end of March but sure what harm. A laugh is a laugh no matter when it is.

So this one here is about what celebrities people would like to find in their Christmas stockings. There’s the usual gang of perverts who only have 1 thing on their mind and of course I chose One Direction - ALL OF THEM! Mainly coz I couldn’t decide at the time which one is my favourite. It kinda changes all the time so regardless of what I’d ask for, if I woke up on Christmas morning I’d be disappointed so all of them is better!

Eurovision 2014 - Belgium

This is a bit of an odd one. It’s called Mother and it’s by Axel Hirsoux. I haven’t really worked out what it’s about because it’s really really boring but I’m guessing this chap is talking about his mother and how amazing she is. I want to meet his mother now. It’s very Andrew Lloyd Webber but not the good stuff, more like a crap musical that did 4 months and then shut down never to be seen again. Where did they ever come up with this idea? Sweet holy god.

I think Belgium had the one win back in 1986 (Off to Google to check, wait there…) So yes it was Sandra Kim in 1986. They’ve only qualified for the final twice since the semis were introduced so not that good lately. I don’t know if this will qualify. It annoys me.

You Know You Grew Up In The 80's if:

1. You used to buy cassette singles… and still have some stashed somewhere…

2. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton

3. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.

4. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to
start a club of your own.

5. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls (or
your sister did).

6. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom

7. Two words: Hammer Pants

8. You watched "Fraggle Rock".

9. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and spokey-dokies or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect

10. You watched "Duck Tales" (Woo ooh!)

11. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

12. You (your sister, cousins) wore a ponytail on the side of your head.

13. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen..and still know the turtles names.

14. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.

16. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.

17. L.A. Gear....need I say more?

18. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all the other Judy Blume books.

19. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"

20. You wanted to be a Goonie.

21. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe)

22. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.

23. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

24. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

25. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.

26. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.

27. Barbie and the Rockers was your favourite band.

28. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.

29. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

30. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"

31. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"

32. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.

33. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.

34. You have ever played with a Skip-It or Elastix

35. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.

36. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.

37. Don't worry, be happy

38. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.

39. You wore socks scrunched down

40. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.

41. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.

42. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"

43. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and & My Little Pony Tales

44. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.

45. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

46. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"

47. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.

48. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.

49. You just sang those words to yourself.

50. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.

51. Homemade Levi shorts.. (the shorter the better)

52. You remember when mullets were cool!

53. You had a mullet!

54. You still sing "We are the World"

55. You tight rolled your jeans.

56. You owned a bannana clip.

57. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"

58. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.

59. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!

Saturday, 29 March 2014

Toys

This was another Ryde Report that was done with the run up to Christmas. I could be wrong, but I think it might have been around the time of the Late Late Toy Show, although maybe I am wrong. I have a mind like a sieve sometimes. Now there’s something you don’t see much of anymore. Where would you even buy a sieve? Ikea I’d imagine. They sell all that sort of stuff. If anyone would like to buy me a sieve it’d be very welcome.

So you might hear in this about me Barbie named Trevor. I believe Trevor is still at home in Dublin somewhere. I must get up the attic and look for her.

Eurovision 2014 - Belarus

Belarus is one of those countries that never really does much at the Eurovision. It’s like Portugal. You’d forget it was there most times. I don’t know what their best is. I remember they had a song by this one that had loads of costume changes.

This is a bit of weird one. It’s called Cheesecake by TEO and your man actually think’s he’s Eastern Europe’s answer to Robin Thicke. It’s actually pretty brutal. It has a bit of 1990s Another Level vibe off it and not even one of their singles. It’d be an album track if anything. I doubt this will qualify. Let’s be honest here, it won’t win. Like even the video is very Blurred Lines but like a bad version of it. Where did they find this chap? Was he doing karaoke somewhere in Minsk with all his hos and they were like “You should do Eurovision?” Sweet Jesus!

Go home Belarus, you’re drunk!

Celebrity Lookalikes

Lets play a game! These ARE NOT celebrities but if they were, who would they be?

1.

Cameron Diaz lookalike

2.

jennifer aniston lookalike

3.

Jessica Simpson lookalike

4.

JLo Marc Anthony lookalike

5.

johnny depp lookalike

6.

Nicole Kidman lookalike

7.

pam anderson lookalike

8.

the beckhams lookalike

9.

tom Cruise lookalike

Friday, 28 March 2014

Christmas Song

Now I thought I wouldn’t keep up with this whole podcast every day thing but here I am. I was almost not going to post today but that was down to nothing but pure laziness and I’ll admit it here and now. I was in bed watching The Black Cauldron which is a Disney cartoon that kids really shouldn’t watch. I was even scared and I’m a grown woman.

So our next podcast is about Christmas songs. This whole Christmas podcast thing has me very confused at the moment although the fact that I’ve been too lazy to take down the decorations makes it a lot worse. I went to WIT to ask people about this one and it was very cold but I did manage to get someone to sing. It was gas!

Eurovision 2014 - Azerbaijan

They try very hard don’t they the Azerbaijanis, a country that wasn’t made up for definite because they actually won AND hosted it a few years ago. They’ve got a great record in fairness to them. They always qualify for the final and always finish in the top 10. Of course there’s the rumours that they spend loads of their oil money to win. Running Scared that they did win with was a pretty decent song. Baku looks nice. Jedward were there and it looked great fun. I’d look lovely in Azerbaijan!

So this year’s song is Start A Fire by Dilara Kazimova whose name I just had to copy and paste into here. It’s another slow piano song which they all seem to be loving this year. Ah sure it’s grand. I don’t think it’s going to win but it will finish in the top 10 because it’s Azerbaijan and sure everyone remembers them because they have a weird name. Now I wonder will they all have separate pianos at the Eurovision or will they all just use the same one?

Scuba Selfie!

LOOK BEHIND YOU!

Scuba Selfie

Thursday, 27 March 2014

Euromillions

Continuing (I had to use spellcheck for that word) on with the daily podcast which now seems to be a new section here on the blog even though it probably won’t be daily coz there’s gonna be days where I just don’t bother me ear doing it but sure here’s today’s one in anyway. I’m talking to random strangers about what they would do if they won the Euromillions which is clearly not something I go around doing on a regular basis although you probably wouldn’t be surprised if I did. Hold on I need coffee…

Right I’m back and it’s not even a coffee from a shop like Costa down the road or anything. It’s a packet from Aldi and the bits won’t melt properly so it’s a bit powdery. Me ma rang too and told me to mind meself coz of the floods. I haven’t been in any floods though.

So anyway, here’s today’s podcast where I talk about Euromillions to complete strangers. This was recorded a while ago just in case you get confused!

Eurovision 2014 - Austria

Now this is one of the most controversial Eurovision songs this year, mainly coz this girl has a beard, which you usually only see in Circuses in the 1920s. Personally I think fellas dressing up as women can be a bit weird and I think the least the Austrian TV company could have done is buy this one a Mach 3. The song is pretty good in a Shirley Bassey meets Adele kinda way but the public reaction hasn’t been great. Some people think it’s taking the piss a bit. If you were to get technical about it, which I’m not often the type to do but anyway, the juries might see it as a gimmick and the public in some of the more old-fashioned parts of Europe might not vote for it. Will it win? Probably not. It might or might not get to the final. Will be touch and go.

Austria have only won the contest once back in 1966 and since the semi-finals were introduced they’ve only qualified the once too. They’ve finished last 7 times which is the amount of times Ireland have won. You’d think they might get a bit of luck and qualify this year. Sure we’ll see how Conchita does.

Don’t Let Me Disturb You

This is scandalous! My mother wouldn’t approve!

In public In public In public In public

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Christmas Shopping

Why am I talking about Christmas Shopping in March? Well because this is number 3 on the list of podcasts and I’m not about to skip it and come back to it in December so you may just listen and close your eyes and pretend it’s snowing outside. Actually it very might be snowing outside where you are. How would I know? Unless you send me a picture. @JoannaRyde on the Twitter is a good place to send pictures. I have a Paypal account if you’d like to send money.

I won’t lie, most of the people on this report were actually friends of mine coz it was very cold and I didn’t want to be going out onto the streets of Waterford talking to total strangers coz there does be a few dodgy characters around at the best of times. I’m going to warn ya in advance too, there’s a lot of Christmas stuff coming up over the next few days!

Eurovision 2014 - Armenia

This is my favourite right now but I’m sure it’ll change before the competition rolls around. I’ll have to start making top 10 lists for parties before I know it. I actually don’t be able because I change me mind quite a lot.

Armenia have had a few decent songs over the years and few crap ones too. Their best ever finish was 4th in 2008 with Qele Qele which was a decent song and one I danced around my kitchen to on more than 1 occasion. They’ve only failed to qualify for the final once and there was also that time they didn’t take part in Azerbaijan because they don’t like each other.

This year, the song is called You’re Not Alone by Aram MP3 and it’s the favourite with the bookies at the moment. It’s a nice balled with lots of strings and stuff in the background and then all of a sudden there’s a dubstep beat thrown in on top. All very European and could easily be a winner. My verdict is that it will defo qualify and will be in the chase for the prize, possibly a first win for Armenia. Now I wonder do Budget Travel do trips to Yerevan!

Podge & Rodge Sayings

I was on the Podge & Rodge show TWICE! Here’s a few of their sayings! BRING BACK THE PODGE & RODGE SHOW!

I'm as sick as a small hospital

I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child

She had a face on her like a well slapped a*se

Your're as welcome as a f*rt in a spacesuit

My mouth's as dry as a nun's cr@ck

He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician

As funny as a burning orphanage

He's so camp, he ****es tent pegs

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

I feel like a boiled sh1te (hungover)

(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

As busy as the Dalkey dole office

Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit

As tight as a nun's knickers

I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the
van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry

Up and down like a hoor's knickers

No show pony but would do for a ride around the house

Did your mother find out who your father is yet?

What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt

I left her with a face like a painter's radio

A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard

Jaysus! she could breastfeed a crèche

As fit as a butcher's dog

She' s got more chins than a Chinese phone book

Not even the tide would take her out

Mother Teresa wouldn't kiss her

Daz wouldn't shift her

Des Kelly wouldn't lay her

A sniper wouldn't take her out

Jaysus! ya wouldn't ride her into battle

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p*ss off a nettle

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede

She had a f@nny like a badly packed kebab

If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Nicki Minaj

Word! Today’s podcast is from my first concert I worked at for Beat 102 103 way back in October 2012. Seems like ages ago really. It was Nicki Minaj in the O2 in Dublin and it was one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to and I’m hard to impress. I get bored very easily you see.

So Nicki had cancelled an earlier gig in the Olympia and there was CHAOS over that so some people weren’t happy. I thought it might be a good idea to chat to the fans outside and really it wasn’t. I got surrounded by all types of mad little weirdos dying to talk to me for the radio. I had to run away in the end and normally I’d be well able to handle meself. It was like World War Z or something.

Anyway, as you can hear from the clip, I had a little trouble towards the end and didn’t get to speak to the women herself. Actually raging although this time 6 months we’ll be best buds! SPIT ON ME NICKI!

Eurovision 2014 - Albania

Hello! It’s the first day of me look at the Eurovision songs for 2014! I’m very excited about it all and my Eurovision podcast will be starting this week! You can follow it on my Podomatic - JoannaRyde.Podomatic.com.

The first song is Albania. The singers name is Hersiana Matmuja and the song is called Zemërimi i një nate and yes I had to copy and paste both of those. Now I first heard this and thought to meself that it was a Shakira song from her new album. It sounds very like her. I actually do really like this. There’s something nice about it. Its a bit epic. Very Evanesence actually.

Albania have never done very well. They had that song a few years ago where your one had dreadlocks stuck to her chest but I actually can’t remember any of their other songs so they mustn’t have been very good. I’ve never been to Albania so if they win I may try and pay a visit next year. I don’t know anyone from Albania actually.

So thoughts on the song? I’m going to say it should qualify. I hope there’s a few pyrotechnics with this one too.

Oh I’ve also just found out she’s singing in English in Denmark! It’s called One Night’s Anger. I’ve just watched the video and looks like someone made it on their camera phone in 2008!

Chicken Joke!

Chickens are great!

Chicken Joke

Monday, 24 March 2014

Conkers

So I’ve decided to start putting my Ryde Reports on MixCloud coz I believe that’s where all the cool kids are hanging out these days and you know well that I’m one of the cool kids. Most of yiz want to be me! I thought it’d be a bit of craic to upload one every day although let’s not lie, this is me and I tend to get a bit distracted so I’ll try every day but it might end up being every other day or whenever I’m bothered.
This first one is from my very first report for Beat 102 103 and I was sent to the Irish National Conker Championships in Freshford in Kilkenny which I thought was something they made up to laugh at me until I got there and realised that there was a big festival on for people playing conkers. All a bit mad really but sure I had a go and even though I didn’t win, I did bruise someone knuckles so it wasn’t a complete disaster.

Eurovision Odds Ranking

Well Eurovision is only a few weeks away and here’s our first look at the rankings. Now not that I promote gambling or anything, and if I did I’d want half of the winnings! Armenia are favourites at the moment! It’s a nice song. I likey!

  1. Armenia
  2. Sweden
  3. Norway
  4. Hungary
  5. Azerbaijan
  6. Denmark
  7. Belgium
  8. United Kingdom
  9. Romania
  10. Ukraine
  11. Russia
  12. Germany
  13. Italy
  14. Austria
  15. Israel
  16. Ireland
  17. Spain
  18. Poland
  19. Greece
  20. Finland
  21. France
  22. Montenegro
  23. Malta
  24. Estonia
  25. Moldova
  26. FYR Macedonia
  27. Slovenia
  28. Albania
  29. Netherlands
  30. Georgia
  31. Iceland
  32. San Marino
  33. Latvia
  34. Lithuania
  35. Switzerland
  36. Belarus
  37. Portugal

Funny Stuff

I like this sort of random crap!

Funny picture Funny picture Funny picture Funny picture Funny picture Funny picture Funny picture Funny picture Funny picture Funny picture Funny picture Funny picture

The Old Days

There once was a time when this blog was a happy place. When people would come here to read all sorts of random shite but over the years, things changed. I got busy, moved to Waterford, wrote a book, went on TV, all manner of things which meant the blog kinda did live up to what it once was. I’m sorry kids.

HOWEVER (Eh drum roll please!) This time I promise things will be better. I’ve a feeling in me waters that good things are gonna happen, although it could easily be trapped wind. I had a kebab last night.

So what’s going on with me yiz ask? Well I was busy doing Britain’s Got Talent and that’ll air soon. I stopped doing gigs and the radio because of that so will be getting back into that in the next few weeks and of course it’s nearly time for EUROVISION! Will be doing a weekly podcast talking all things Eurovision! I can’t contain meself. I need to go lie down!

Sunday, 23 March 2014

The Wife & The Volvo

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing.

You’re okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night. 

You hear her stumble into bed around 4am and laugh because you know she's going to have a monster hangover.

You wake up the next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, Which she used last night. 

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.

You circle the car looking for dents and find none.

But .... WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!!!

Wife's volvo