Friday, 23 May 2014

Chuck Norris

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the f*ck he wants.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pyjamas.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take sh*t from anyone.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a Jeep.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets out of the way.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who Chuck Norris is.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris casts no shadow. Not even a shadow is stupid enough to follow Chuck Norris around all day.

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